THE WOLF (Tribute to #PTSDAwarenessMonth)

    THE WOLF

Here I am again, suffering….

The pain in spirit befuddles my mind,
thoughts of my actions, humiliation, not humility
fear not confidence,  shame not forgiveness

Turning and turning the offending behaviour in my mind’s eye

stabbing my heart and my pride

fear of loss….

time in anguish sensing some great loss

What Loss?

Why does this hurt so deeply?

Oh, Loss, the Fourth Step

All fear comes from fear of loss…
Loss of What?
In my pain, I cannot guess or think or imagine

The picture of myself, in those moments of unconscious behaviour
Oh, that painful, humiliating act by mouth or movement…
What loss????

It is only me, looking at myself, wondering how on earth
Did I Not Know Better!?!?
Was I tired? sick? in pain? or just crazy again?  Again…
Again caught in the insidious web of my own insanity, so far removed…

Fear of Loss?
The loss of myself, Again….
This fragile mind so secure in its propriety, its found sanity…
How dare it raise its head in public!!??!!

Oh, the struggle to rest, to sleep.
My incriminating shame tearing at my consciousness as a wolf devours its prey,
blood dripping and bones gnawed….
such a fate preferred over this suffering.

No, this is not new…this is my companion, the bane of my life….

But I have not time now.  I must face the world of people again, Oh, No!
Please! Please don’t let me slip into that same place!
Not now! Please! I could not bear it so soon again!

Oh, must I go, must I do anything  but sit here, lay there,
pace where there is space to do so….
If this pain could bring tears, I would cry, I cannot.
If this pain could be healed, I would run to the Healer, I will not.
If this pain could be coddled, I would crawl into the arms of….?
but who can comfort me?  None, none here, none now.

I can’t forgive myself, as the images torment my mind and my heart and my spirit.
I can’t see anything but my ignorance.
I dare not think too long on how others must have perceived me,
to do so fills me with dread and impending doom,
permeating my whole being, causing a collapse in and out of myself

I have become ill, debilitated with this pain, fear
fear of loss…. of what?

I cannot find a place of acceptance for myself
there is no where for me to go with this nightmare
I must wash it from within……how?
By knowing what the fear is, the loss is?

Coming face to face with my own ignorance is not a bad thing….
fertile ground for Spiritual growth…
but me, I just fall into the darkness, face to face with my Black Wolf.
We stare at each other…once again…sizing up
Who will be victor this time?

I am hopeful of a full recovery, for as the pain works within me
I shed, once again, more of my ignorance…
Now knowing my fear….
That “I” should  be victor,
My loss….
That my Wolf would not….

Copyright  2008 by JD Adam
All rights retained by Author.  Wolf may be freely copied and freely  distributed without request as long as this copyright notice remains in place.

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